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As a parent, one of your goals is to raise children who eventually find their way to success in life. Children who learn some sense of responsibility early in their childhood tend to be more self-sufficient, less codependent, and more likely to take responsibility for their own actions in adulthood. Responsibility is a learned skill and it is your role as a parent to ensure that you are providing your child with the tools to learn this very critical skill early in life.
A child is provided with the opportunity to start learning responsibility at a very young age. Parents need to learn to take advantage of the opportunities to teach responsibility as they occur. Children who are raised in a consequences free environment never have the opportunity to learn how to take responsibility for their actions. Parents who feel that they are creating a safe haven for their children by not allowing them to experience negative consequences for negative actions, are enablers. Irresponsible children raised in enabled households tend to approach all life situations with a sense of entitlement; a "the world owes me" kind of attitude. In adulthood, this attitude can lead to a real sense of discontent as other people in the child's life do not provide that enabling role.
Your role as parent needs to be a proactive one when attempting to raise a responsible child. Learn to recognize the opportunities to teach responsibility at every stage of your child's development:
Infancy and Toddlerhood
At this stage your child begins testing your boundaries. The child who repeatedly throws a toy to get attention then learns to throw the toy in anger and then learns to get a reaction from an adult as a result of having thrown the toy. Set the boundary for your child rather than letting your child set the boundary for you. If the child throws the toy once, pick it up and give it back, if the child intentionally throws the toy again (or twice more depending on how tolerant you are) put the toy away. This action will show your child that you are not going to reward negative behavior.
As your child becomes a toddler, they will learn which actions will best test your patience and parenting skills. At this stage, a child needs to learn that there can be consequences for poor behavior. If you tell your child, "if you don't stop that….,we will go home", mean it. Follow through on your words. If you teach your child that you are not making idle threats, your words will carry more weight.
Early Childhood
In the early childhood years, children should be learning to take care of themselves. They will have started to learn some personal grooming skills, they will also need to learn how to pick up after themselves. Giving a young child some small chores around the house will help foster their self-esteem and increase their feeling of contribution to the household. Children who do not do their chores need to know that there will be consequences. If chores are not completed then the child cannot go play with a friend, or watch television, or do something that they consider "fun". Once the chore has been completed (and completed correctly) then the child can go do whatever it is that they want to do.
School Age to Preteen
As the child gets older, their responsibilities should increase proportionately. Offering the child an allowance for completing chores will help increase their sense of self-worth. Reward your child for great behavior; more allowance for doing a great job, a special treat for a great report card, or notes to say how wonderful you think your child is hidden in places for your child to find.
If your child is not performing well in school, or is surly and unhelpful around the house, it is your job as a parent to determine what is the root of the problem. Children perform better when confronted with defined boundaries. A child who is not held to a performance standard either at home or in school, will cease to try to meet any expectations. Providing your child with a sense of responsibility for their actions requires a nurturing environment. A child needs to know that the punishment will not exceed the crime. A child must be allowed to fail as well as to succeed.
Preteen children are most aggressively confronted with peer pressure. A child who has been raised in a household that has instilled a sense of responsibility will be more likely to avoid problem behavior and negative influence from peers. Keeping the lines of communication open between you and your child will give your child an outlet to discuss their fears and provide insight as to what your child is feeling.
Teenager
The teen years have provided the breaking point for many a parent. Raising a responsible teen is incredibly important for your peace of mind as a parent. Teens are confronted with a multitude of opportunities for making potentially bad choices. If you have raised a teen who knows right from wrong, and understands that their actions will have consequences, you will stand a much better chance of making it through the teenage years with your sanity intact.
Instilling a sense of responsibility in your teenage child started many years ago. If the foundation for responsibility has already been laid, you will have a better opportunity to discuss your child's future with them. Most teens have not been confronted with their mortality and do not stop to consider that bad things can happen to them. Teaching children what consequences their actions could have is necessary to their learning process. Letting children know what potential they have is necessary for their success. Do not just focus on the bad, reinforce the positives and help your child develop goals that can be attained.
Young Adulthood
Your child is no longer a child. They have passed the threshold of adulthood. If you have taught your child a sense of responsibility, they are now self-sufficient and on their way to a life separate from the family. Parents who have been enablers will find that their children are not separating, that they remain dependant upon the family to help them exist. Adults who have never learned the consequences of their negative actions will find themselves in difficult life situations but will be looking elsewhere to place the blame for their plight. Relationships will always be a challenge for these adults unless they are lucky enough to mate with people who are also enablers.
As discussed repeatedly in this article, it is necessary for you to start early in the responsibility education of your child. All children need to feel that they are important and valued. Giving children responsibility in the household can help improve their self-esteem and their feelings of self-worth. As a parent, you are entrusted with the role of creating a caring and responsible adult from your child. Raising a responsible child who understands the consequences of their actions, will make your job as a parent much easier.
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